Think for Yourself

Think for Yourself

“I don’t understand.”

“I’m too old.”

“I didn’t grow up with that.”

“Everyone in my family does it this way.”

“No one ever showed me or taught me that.”

I hear these kinds of things all the time, and honestly, I understand where they come from.

Having a mom and dad who teach you things—either by example or by literally telling you and showing you—is nice. Having grandparents, siblings, friends, teachers and other people around you who expose you to different things is important too.

But at some point, you have to get out into the world.

You have to talk to other people. Read. Travel when you can. Learn about other cultures. Learn about history. Pay attention to how other people live and why they do the things they do.

Take little micro-nuggets of culture, habits and ideas and add them to your own routine to see if they actually work for you.

Don't just do something because it was repeated to you your entire life.

“Only men do this.”

“Only women do that.”

“Only this race does this.”

“People from that religion believe that.”

“You have to be a Democrat or Republican because of your skin color.”

Or whatever other version of that you've heard.

At some point, you have to stop accepting things simply because somebody handed them to you.

I've found that I'm actually somewhere in the middle when it comes to politics. And one reason I think so many people have such strong assumptions about politics, religion, culture and other subjects is that we often don't learn the actual history behind them.

We learn the version that was passed down to us.

Then we hear another version from somebody else.

Then somebody tells us a myth about it.

And eventually, we start treating all of that as fact.

Think for yourself.

It's okay to change.

It's okay to be different from your family.

It's okay to question something your parents, grandparents or friends taught you.

It's even okay to eventually come back around to the thing they taught you—but because you investigated it and decided it makes sense for you, not simply because they told you so.

Sometimes “Don't” Isn't Enough

When a parent, grandparent or somebody close to you says, “Don't ever do this,” but doesn't explain why or give you a firsthand or even secondhand example of what happened, that isn't always very helpful.

Sometimes it actually makes you more curious.

“Why?”

“What happens if I do?”

“Why can't I?”

That's why I think leading by example is often more powerful than simply giving somebody a list of things they're not allowed to do.

I honestly don't remember my parents ever really sitting me down and saying, “Don't do drugs” or “Don't commit crimes.”

But through real-life experiences—watching friends and family members and observing what happened to people throughout my teens and early 20s—I learned what I did and didn't want for myself.

I saw enough.

I didn't need somebody to give me a lecture.

And the same thing goes for drinking.

It's just not my thing.

I've tried a few beers, some wine and other things over the years. I might have one drink every year or two, if that—usually more or less just to confirm that I still don't like it.

I've never been drunk.

I'm more of a one-drink-and-done person because I like being 100 percent in control of my actions.

But that's something I figured out for myself.

And that's really the bigger point.

Give People Multiple Choices

We all have to go through life and figure out the “why” for ourselves.

Parents, grandparents, friends and other people can give us examples. They can tell us what happened to them. They can tell us what they would do differently.

But they can't live our lives for us.

Sometimes advice should be more like multiple choice.

Give somebody A, B, C and D instead of saying, “Do this,” or “Don't ever do that.”

Explain the possibilities.

Explain what could happen.

Let people see the positive outcomes, the negative outcomes and everything in between.

Because you can “what if” yourself into almost anything.

“What if this happens?”

“What if that happens?”

“What if something goes wrong?”

Of course, those things can happen.

But people also have positive experiences. Sometimes something doesn't work out perfectly and you learn from it. Not every less-than-positive outcome is a disaster. Sometimes it's simply a learning experience.

That's part of growing up.

You're Allowed to Change

One of the biggest things I've learned is that you have to break free from worrying so much about what other people think and develop your own perspective and outlook on life.

And that perspective is allowed to change.

You might not be the same person you were five years ago.

Or 10 years ago.

Or 15 years ago.

Hell, you might not even be the same person you were last month.

That's okay.

We're all guilty sometimes of saying things like:

“You always do this.”

“You always say that.”

“That's just how you are.”

But what happens when somebody is actually trying to change?

If you keep reminding them of everything they've done in the past, you can end up reinforcing the very identity they're trying to move away from.

Someone may be making a genuine effort to change, but every time they slip up or say something that reminds you of their old behavior, you immediately point it out.

Eventually they may start thinking:

“Well, I guess that's just who I am.”

And they go right back to doing the thing they were trying to change.

Sometimes it's better to pull somebody aside later instead of criticizing them in the moment.

People generally don't like being criticized while they're in the middle of something—especially when they didn't ask for the criticism.

That's when people get defensive.

And honestly, that's when I get defensive too.

Show It Before You Announce It

There's also something to be said for not announcing every change you're trying to make.

Sometimes you don't have to tell everybody:

“I'm changing this about myself.”

“I'm going to start doing this.”

“I'm never going to do that again.”

Because now everybody is watching.

And if you change your mind, people may continue holding you to the version of yourself you announced six months ago.

Instead, sometimes just make the change.

Show it.

Let people notice.

You may even have to change again if that new approach doesn't work for you.

That's part of the process too.

You don't necessarily need to give everyone a running commentary on your personal development.

It's okay to be vague.

For me, I usually just say:

I'm in the process of stacking new habits across all areas of my life.

And that's really what I'm doing.

I'm constantly learning new things.

I'm constantly unlearning things I assumed were the only way—or even the right way—to do something.

And I'm okay with that.

Because I don't think we're supposed to have everything figured out at 20.

Or 30.

Or 40.

Or 50.

We're supposed to keep learning.

Keep questioning.

Keep observing.

Keep experimenting.

Keep changing when something no longer works.

And, most importantly, think for yourself.

Thanks for reading The Deep Dive!

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I can't promise I'll write about every suggestion, but I'm always interested in hearing what you're curious about.

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